Suicide and Redemtion
by Caz2y5
Summary: this fic was a request by chasing tides at LJ through the SPN giftxchnge. It ended up being a coda to The Ep "Its the Grand pumpkin Sam Winchester" and the title is a Metallica song. No suicide though just redemption!


It was over. Don the art teacher's lifeless corpse lay on the mosaic tiles in front of Sam. Samhain had been exercised and was now nothing more than a soot angel outlining the bloody corpse of the witch. But it had been a hard won fight; Sam was supposed to use Ruby's knife but it lay on the other side of the room. Out of reach and only slightly bloodied, the only testament to the fact that Sam had tried to use the knife at all. The truth was that Sam had fought with Samhain and lost the knife in the melee. It was not until then that he had resorted to using his powers. Not only that but Dean had stood there in the corridor and just watched, Sam was mad at himself for using his powers but he was also mad at Dean for not coming to his aid. Not picking up the knife and taking out Samhain from behind the way he had taken out Tammi the last witch they had faced.

So now Sam stood, blood dripping from his nose to where it trickled over his lip and down to drip from his chin. His brow was crinkled with the pain that the effort of the exorcism had caused. Sam crumbled to his knees his outstretched right hand coming to rest on the tiled floor and stopping him from collapsing the rest of the way forward onto the mosaic floor

Dean had been frozen in place. He was shocked at his little brother's power. He had seen him use it once before in the warehouse when Dean had also discovered that Ruby was teaching Sam how to use it. But this was different. Dean wasn't standing behind Sam whilst his brother used his powers. No, this time Dean could see Sam's face. Dean felt a wash of relief when it was over and there had been no trace of the golden flash that he had seen in Sam's eyes when Dean had been suffering from the ghost sickness. He still wasn't sure if those glimpses had been real or just part of his fever. But the moment Sam's knees buckled Dean had moved. He sprinted across the tomb covering the short distance between him and his brother quickly. He dropped the duffle from his shoulder and knelt next to brother.

"Sammy?"

Dean was torn between being furious and being concerned for his brother. Grabbing Sam's head in his hands Dean turned Sam's downcast face up so that he could meet Sam's eyes. Dean bit his bottom lip and held his breath, still half expecting to see the slightest glint of gold in Sam's eyes. It was something that had began haunting his dreams even before the ghost sickness. It was a fear that had been planted in Dean's thoughts by his father when he had leant across Dean's hospital bed and whispered "if you can't save your brother you will have to kill him." Like Dean didn't have enough on his plate without still having to worry about his brother becoming the next anti Christ or Boy king or whatever the title was that the demons had used in reference to Sam.

Quickly Dean inspected his brother making sure that there were no really bad injuries. The only blood he could find was slowly drying on Sam's face. Dean brushed his thumb across Sam's lips, wiping away the blood that had run from his nose, and then wiped it on his brother's jacket

.

"I'm sorry." Sam said slightly slurring his words. Making Dean even more worried than he already was. Sam opened his mouth to say more but Dean cut him off.

"It doesn't matter."

"I did try using the knife Dean. I…" Sam tried to explain. He didn't want his brother thinking that he hadn't tried. That he had just gone ahead and used his powers.

"I know Sam, and all that matters is that you're okay." Dean had seen the knife lying out of reach when he had come around the corner. He understood that Sam had not had any other option. That was what he meant when he said it didn't matter. The fact that he wasn't happy about it would have to wait until later, but for now what Dean was far more concerned about was whether or not Sam was okay, because he seriously didn't look okay. Sam's nose had stopped bleeding but his face was still scrunched up in pain and he still had his hand pressed up against his fore head.

"Now, are you okay?" Dean asked again, now that Sam wasn't busy trying to justify something that wasn't important at this point in time. Dean figured that they could discuss it later, when he was felt a bit more sure that Sam was okay.

"My head hurts."

Dean smiled at that, the way Sam was grimacing It was kinda obvious that his head hurt. Dean figured that it would be best if they got out of there before the fire he had started in the mausoleum spread. They needed get out of the cemetery and get back to the car.

"Think you can stand?" Dean asked as he stood up. Sam nodded slowly wincing as he did so. Dean kept his hand on Sam's shoulder and when Sam stumbled as he tried to stand, Dean was already there to catch him. Sliding his arm under Sam's for support Dean helped Sam to his feet. The two of them then walked together making their out of the crypt and through the assembled tombstones with Dean leading the way, to the silent sentinel of the Impala.

Dean opened the door and slid Sam into the passenger seat. He closed the passenger door before he crossed to the other side of the car. As he climbed into the driver's seat Dean started the engine. He looked across at his brother who looked pale but his fore head was slightly less scrunched up.

"Don't you gak in my car little brother!" Dean quipped as he slid the car into gear and drove in relative silence back to the hotel room.

The Impala rumbled to a halt in the hotel parking lot and Dean turned the key killing the engine. He helped Sam out of the car and up to the door of their room. Pulling the key from his pocket Dean quickly unlocked the door before helping Sam inside. Dean was a little surprised to find the room was empty; he had half expected Castiel and Uriel to be in the room waiting for them. To tell them how bad a job they had done at failing to stop the witch from opening the seal.

Dean walked Sam over to the bed and sat him down on it, seeing Sam wince at the slightest movement of his head. Realising that Sam probably wouldn't be able too bend down and do it, Dean knelt down in front of Sam and began helping him take off his shoes.

"Dean? What do you think the angels are gunna do?"

"What do you mean?"

"We didn't stop the seal from being opened. They are going to be pissed at us aren't they?"

Dean looked up at his brother and smiled.

"Don't worry about it. I'll deal with them."

.Dean lifted Sam's large feet up onto the bed and pulled the cover up around him. Dean tucked the blanket around Sam, just like he had done so often when the two of them had been children. Once Sam was snug and secure in the bed Dean moved back and sat on the empty bed opposite. He had been thinking about Sam using his powers and he wanted to discuss it with Sam.

"Do you remember when we were kids Sammy, and we use to try and act tough? Just so that Dad wouldn't call us a bunch a cry babies." Sam was confused. It wasn't like Dean to do the whole trip down memory lane thing. That was unless of course Dean was working his way toward some specific point that he wanted to make.

"You remember what Dad told you when you went two weeks before you told him your wrist hurt and we found out you had actually broken it?"

"Yeah, I remember Dean. He told me that pain was the body's way of warning you something was wrong." Sam offered starting to get the gist of where the conversation was headed, and beginning to feel a little uncomfortable at the thought of his brother waxing all philosophical on him.

"Dad was right about that Sam. Did it ever occur to you that the nose bleeds and the headaches are your body's way of warning you?

"Oh Come on Dean!"

"No Sam! I'm serious we still have no idea what the Yellow Eyed Demon had planned for you."

Sam sat up becoming more agitated but for the moment at least forgetting about his head ache. He wasn't about to let his brother make assumptions about him and his powers.

"Don't you think I know that? I'm not doing it just because I can Dean. Samhain would have killed me; I did what I had to do to survive. You of all people should understand that. "

"I'm worried about you Sammy! What would you have done in that situation before you had your powers? I think you rely on them, I think you don't fight as hard because you know if you get cornered you can just use your mind to exorcise the demon!."

"What you think I'd rather be a freak…" Sam was yelling his face flushed with anger. It twisted like daggers in his stomach and made his head pound like the ringing of a church bell..

"No that's not what I'm saying Sam." Dean kept trying unsuccessfully to diffuse Sam's anger. But Dean found he was becoming more frustrated with each of Sam's angry words.

"Then Just what are you saying Dean?"

"I'm saying Sam that you take stupid risks because you know that if anything goes down you can just use your powers to get you out of it. If I didn't know you had those powers I would think you had a death wish Sam." Dean raised his voice matching Sam's tone and volume, his cheeks flushing red.

"So what you're the only one who gets to make stupid risks? You figure you got Angels watching your back now so it's okay for you but because I have demon powers I'm not allowed to take the same risk? Is that it?"

Dean had, had enough of the whole thing , He had no intention of arguing any further with his brother. Taking a deep breath Dean stood up and walked toward the door.

"Get some rest Sammy. Neither of us is thinking straight. What's say we save this discussion for the morning."

"Dean?" Sam was still flushed the heat of the argument twisting in his throat. He didn't want to drop the argument he was having with his brother. But his head had begun to pound worse than being hit in the head with a crowbar. Sam looked at his brother, wanted to make Dean understand. Make him understand why Sam had gone off on his own to face Samhain. Sam knew that if Dean had been in the corridor when he had approached Samhain, the demons white light would have burnt his brother away to nothing, sending his soul back to hell. But his head it hurt, a lot. and thinking was like a hot poker twisting inside his head

.

Dean turned back and looked at his brother. Sam had changed so much since Dean had gone to hell and come back, but sitting there in the bed he still reminded Dean of the small boy he had always been in charge of protecting.

"What is it Sam?" Dean sounded more exhausted than angry by this point and he was pinching the bridge of his nose. Sam wanted to talk more with his brother, to continue the conversation but the look on Dean's face made Sam change his mind.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm just going out to the car. I'll be back in a minute." Sam nodded that he understood and with that Dean turned and walked out the hotel room door, closing it behind him. Dean wasn't really sure where he was going but he walked right past the Impala and kept on walking. He needed air, needed to think. Eventually Dean found himself in a park and he sat on a park bench, near a play area for children with a jungle gym and swings.

It wasn't so much that Dean wanted to think about the angels or the seals or what had happened. He just wasn't ready to sleep yet. He didn't want to dream about what had happened to him whilst he was in hell. Dean still couldn't understand what he had done to deserve to be saved. Dean knew that there were other people, good people down there who had deserved to be saved more than he did. No matter how hard he thought about it Dean just couldn't get his mind around what he had done to deserve to be saved. Dean also doubted that God had any idea what he was doing if he had plans for the eldest Winchester.

Dean sat their thinking and watched the Sunrise. Eventually the park began to fill with children. Dean started to think about how it was good that they had stopped the angels from destroying the town. Plus Even though he had used his powers, Sam had destroyed Samhain before the town could be over run with monsters. Dean watched the kids playing and the mothers chatting, each one oblivious to the events that had transpired in the cemetery the night before.

It was some time around that thought that Dean noticed Castiel was suddenly sitting on the empty park bench next to him, a solemn look on his face. Although it was the same face that Castiel always wore.

"Let me guess you're here for the 'I told you so'."

Dean was no where near being in the mood to hear Castiel telling him off. So to begin with, he wasn't much interested in hearing what Castiel had to say. That was until Castiel informed him that his orders had been to do whatever Dean had told them to do.

IHuh/I Dean thought, No wonder Uriel had seemed so pissy. Dean doubted that the angel had ever had to follow orders from a lowly mud monkey before and that probably explained why the guy had seemed so agitated, either that or he was just a dick. The idea that this was a battlefield trial was ridiculous and Dean said so. To which Castiel laughed, it was only slight, a brief chuckle but it was enough for Dean to notice. It was good to see that at least one of the angels that Dean knew, and he had only met the two, Castiel and Uriel, had a sense of humour. Even if Cas did keep it hidden most of the time. /font


End file.
